SOMETIMES SAYING IT OUT LOUD MAKES IT REAL

Do you need a lover or a companion or just another person to complete you ? Or is a person complete in himself without the love of your life ?Did the creatures from Plato's symposium ever exist ? Is finding the other half the reason why we keep wandering endlessly ? Is that our only aim in life ? So many questions! So many unanswered questions !

So yes I'm a bit emotional today . I'm a cancerian . Its second nature for us moody crabs to over think and to stress about the things that may or may not be true. Sometimes saying something out loud makes it real OR you start to believe that it has become your truth because you said it out loud .
Either way, you're just protecting yourself . Laying the bricks one by one and constructing a wall around you . Separating yourself from the world and cutting yourself from the experience that life has to offer .

If something has ended what do you take from the whole experience ? Does every special friendship have to conclude or flourish into a relationship ? Do the memories that you create together , the emotions that you feel with someone become things that you easily move on from ? Things that you don't want to process any longer or have memories of .

Do you remember, you were emotional once upon a time too . Maybe you've trained yourself well now . You are older than you used to be , more experienced than you used to be . You have been pushed around more than you were before . You're used to it now . Are you ? Does it become easier with age , with more experience to start to easily disconnect ?

So how do you get hold of your emotions ? How do you rationalise what's right and what's wrong ? You don't . You let it come to you and go through the sickening feeling and then you come out of it , stronger . You have to learn to be by yourself . Finding a partner , a lover , someone who'd be there with you all your life is probably wrong . Love is a bonus .

Do you ever really understand if you are in love ? Do you know for sure that whatever you felt was love ? But without love you still are a complete person. You don't need another person to complete you. I was reading once that you cannot make someone stay with you forever . You can't be jealous of situations that don't go according to how you would like them to be. If that person has to leave there is very little you can do about it . Love is a fabricated emotion. Love is .... I wish I knew !

TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND I WILL LOVE YOU TO BITS

Why the bloody hell was I designed to be so insecure ?

Are you listening ? I'm having trouble in loversville .

You're not giving me as much attention as I want and of course I don't want to keep messaging you and bugging you or you're gonna start to drift in another direction . So instead I'm gonna write to all the readers who might stumble upon my profile and tell you what I want to write . I'll put it out in the universe and imagine it is you I'm writing it to .

Hey you , please give me more attention than you do at the moment . Just send me a good morning and good night message and maybe we can talk a bit sometimes . Show me that you're there for me and I'll stop going all crazy in my head thinking things out .I like you and sometimes it hardly takes any time for my liking to turn into love . I'm that stupid . I've never seen you but I hear you , I write to you , I think of you and I miss you. From your busy schedule take out one moment to write to me , spend one penny to text me ( with technology these days you wouldn't even have to do that ) , walk one step closer to me ! Has the distance between us made me invisible ? I saw you online for a bit , yet you did not write to me . I wrote you a message before I fell asleep, I wrote you another just when I woke up . And I kept thinking about you through the night . You're mature and you're more stable and sane but probably I'm not . How can I make you understand that ? When will you realize this .


They say Pisces and Cancer is a heavenly match and they will eventually complete each others sentences , thats how strong their connection is . Im trying my best to be less and less restless .
I can't help but not tell you that when I sleep alone in my bed at night , I think of you . I think of the big bed and the empty space around . I think of which of the two is a bigger expanse , the space that I take up or the space that's around . I think of how it would be if I had your arms wrapped around my body , if our legs were intertwined and there was lesser empty space in my bed .That doesn't mean I don't think of you through the day . Whenever there is a text from someone I hope its yours , I hope that it is some news of you . My heart skips a beat or two . My breath becomes shallow and my lung capacity reduces , they now take in very little air and tire me. Don't you think we get used to particular situations and specifically particular emotions . Do you feel them to the same extent each time , probably sometimes even though you wouldn't want to .Do you keep doing it over and over and make a habit out of it ? People treat you like shit over and over again and sometimes if in a particular situation that doesn't happen , would you start to believe its not love ?

So does it mean that people treating you like shit is love for you now ? Think about it !

Alone

Just heard this on Grey's Anatomy.... I think its really sad but its so sad I fell in love with it !

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone
It wasn't because I'd be happy alone
It was because if I love someone
And then it fell apart
I might not make it

Its easier to be alone
Coz what if you learn , you need love
And then you don't have it
What if you like it
And lean on it
What if you shape your life around it
And then it falls apart
Can you even survive that kinda pain
Loosing love is like organ damage
Its like dying
The only difference is ...
Death Ends
This .....
It could  go on forever

Break The Pattern !!

Why is it so hard to let go ? Why do we keep repeating the same things over and over ? Is it so hard to break the pattern ?

Well , the past few days have gotten me thinking about a few things that always confuse me . I read recently that human beings are objects of habit and that it can be strange the kind of things that we might get used to . Some people start living together and get used to sharing space , some people get married and get used to each other : sometimes even thinking that it is love , people who were never friends before become friends when fate brings them together under different circumstances . kids studying together for years only become friends sometimes when they happen to sit together or around the same place in the classroom . But sometimes when things aren't exactly the way you wish they were you have to break the pattern . To bring about a change sometimes you have to be the change . 

For instance , I think for me it is very difficult to let people go . No matter if i have known them for a few days or for a few years . I definitely like to keep in touch with people I shared some kind of chemistry with , i made some memories with , i lived with . Every now and then when i am reminded of them or of the times we've had together i start to wonder , what happened to us , what changed that was so bad that we cannot keep in touch anymore , I made an effort , i thought we were good together , I thought that the time we spent together would account for something worthwhile ; but somehow not everyone seems to think the same . Sometimes people come into your lives to teach you how to live without them , but do you really want to live like that . I wish like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind i could erase their memories completely and start afresh but its easier said than done . I think i need to hold on to things , i think i need to hold on to the beautiful memories that we created together , i need to feel stupid and care about someone who doesn't give a shit about the way i feel . Maybe this makes me selfish and probably i reach out to them when i feel lonely but at least i have thought about them , at least i tried to keep the thread between us alive . 

Maybe this is why i need to break the pattern as well , so that i can move on and experience new things . Change a few things , change what you want in the hope of finding something better . 

I think we tend to associate our choice of a partner with the person we first met , our first date , first kiss , first vacation , first romance sort of form the basis of what we keep searching for in our future partners . Also , the way that person looks , his/her skin color , the way they talk , the way they are is something we want because this is your start line , everything better is above this line and everything not as good is below this bar that has been set . Of course we would never want to settle for someone below the bar but is that what breaking the pattern could be? Settling down for something less , making an adjustment !!!1

I Remember The Days When There Was (no) Love

Today , dawn dawned really early on me  . I would say that once again like many other days, my day started at night . Sipping my dose of caffeine for the day , trying to stimulate myself to pretend to wake up even though i have had a bruised sleep yesterday.  Spent most of my time gazing at the computer , kept it at my leg and every few minutes when it went into standby extended my trained legs to slide on the trackpad and bring it back to life to check if there is a message . I can't sleep when there is too much light and usually i keep the brightness of my laptop to  a minimum if i'm downloading something overnight but today i was ok sleeping with it  being my night lamp . 

I've had sleepless nights before . Was this any different ?

I remember days when there was no love , remember when that was not one of my significant aims in life . I had enough love from my parents , my brother , my cousins and my friends , I was content , I was happy . I could sleep like a baby and mostly could dream in my sleep other than my self-confessed unavoidable day-dreaming . Like a baby again my breathing was right , it wasn't shallow . I'd sleep at the right time and wake up to light . Even then i woke up to a bed that was made up on the other side . The pillow beside me wasn't rustled and there was only my own smell that filled up the room . I remember being more than ok with all of this .  Why does this suddenly feel a little less than complete? Why and since when has it become so important to wake up to the sound of someone else other than your mom shouting to wake you up to go to school . Since when am i ok with waking up to a numb hand because someone else was resting on it and you didn't want to move your hand to wake them up . Since when has it become desirable to cuddle someone or be cuddled to feel that last nights sleep was actually a good night's sleep . What has changed ? 

I guess I have changed . Don't get me wrong , I'm a die-hard , obsessed , hopeless romantic but i should blame the fantasy Bollywood movies , the romantic songs  that i grew up with . With all their happy-endings , with all the mush romances , the extending hands to pull someone who's late to catch her train and then fall in love while traveling all around Europe , the initial disagreements and the sacrifices , the tearing apart and then the happily ever afters in each of them . I recently did a piece of choreography with my students where we explored attraction between people . We explored the insecurity of the tomorrow , will that person still love you tomorrow , at all or at least as much as he/she loves you today . The sucker for all things sad that I am it ended on all 3 of them going in different directions concluding that in the end everyone has just themselves , their souls are all they own , they are alone . Everyone thinks their life is so complicated , so complex with all kinds of trials and tribulations . From whatever my history with love has been , i feel the same and every time it happened it changed me . Changed me to think that is there really something like a happy ending ? 

Unless it actually happens i don't think I will know . 

Even though I am the same person deep down , now i have fear in me . There is fear of a heart-break , there is fear of falling apart ,  there is fear of no happily ever after , fear that time is running out , there is fear of love . I have my shields on and with very few people they actually come down , sometimes too soon , sometimes eventually . Now , i run away , make plans so that i don't talk to the person all the time , appear clingy and push them away . Now , I understand people better , I understand human psyche better , I don't want to but i understand practicality . I understand reality . 

I am superstitious , I am safe , I am scared . But i still love . 

Love : Just another excuse to get hurt ?

"Doubt thou the stars are fire .

 Doubt that the sun doth move.

 Doubt truth to be a liar.

 But never doubt I LOVE."

Hamlet , From a letter read by Polonius , Scene II

We make love to be so cinematic : Someone says something really mystical , you are totally in awe of them , you are swept off your feet and you think you have fallen deeply and madly in love , only to be punched in the face when you wake up from your dream telling yourself " Silly , lets just skip all of this , i don't have time for any more pain ."

35 people jump off the brooklyn bridge every year ,  most because of broken hearts . That , happening in New York City , a city where most of the romantic movies are made says a lot about so called love . We already feel that our life is miserable as it is , we are never satisfied with what it might have to offer , we compare it to somebody else's life and always think his/her life is so much better than mine , s/he's so lucky , I wish I was that lucky , why is it that only my life sucks , why is it that only i get dumped all the time and have no one i could love , why am i the one who's hurting all the time . Is love really just another excuse to get hurt or is it something that you don't doubt ?  You tell me .

Thinking about all this i tried to make a compilation of things people in love say , things that they really mean or things that are just an excuse to break-up with you , things your friends say to console you and things you think you would never say if someone really truly loved you but you still say it anyways without realizing that you have broken someone else's heart just as s/he would've yours eventually , questions that make you feel insecure about who you are and how you live your life. 

I think i'll start with my favorites and proceed to the less popular ones . Hopefully you'll relate to it , or not . Firstly , you know something is wrong when you hear the words : WE NEED TO TALK . Everything starts here . 

I have two favorites actually and don't know which one should be given top spot . 

Maybe we'll have a vote in the comments . There's very few readers anyways and judging by the size of this post I might be loosing you half way :P

Some of you might just read the compilation , even .

1. You're perfect , I just have to figure things out for myself ( Could't you think of all this before you lead me on )

 OR

1. You deserve someone so much better than me . (Hell Yeah !! Chicken )

2. I don't want to stand in your way ( Don't worry honey , close the door on your way out)

3. I am gonna be so jealous of the guy who marry's you ( Oh you will be and i will rub it in your face )

4. I don't know how i can fit you in my life ( Don't ask me , solve your own puzzles)

5. I am still in love with my ex . (How Typical!!!)

6. I am not looking for love at the moment . Lets just be friends ( Well this wasn't love and were we really friends? )

Then there are a few questions that are raised , a few beliefs that are questioned . The wait , the longing , the curiosity , the phone calls he/she wont make and so on .

1. Maybe he called and i didn't get the message . 

2. Maybe he was busy so he could not call me . He had told me he was going to see his friends .

3. Is my phone working properly , call me , I need to check if everything's fine with the network . I have an important call to attend. 

4. Its complicated , I'm fine . Can we be friends at least?

5. Let me swing by and see if he's around . 

6. Is this it ? Am i lucky enough to find love , I have never felt this way before . I think i finally met the one . Is this really happening ? 

Then typically there will be the sad one liners , the ones that are written in a love song , usually the lines that connect you so much to the song that you think it was written only for you and you found it at the right moment .

1. When I think of you it hurts me , because i know you are not thinking of me .

2. If you are taking chances , know the chance you take because a broken heart is the highest price you pay.

3. I don't know why i get so attached . 

4. You lead me on to believe that one day we might actually be together . 

5. I need you to stop being nice to me if you are not gonna be with me later on . 

6. Whats wrong with me ?

People have a good side and a bad side , a past and a future . We must embrace that in someone we love . Sometimes things just don't work out but i don't think we stop trying or we should stop trying .

P.S : Mind you , I am still a believer , there's still hope that i can find someone i could love eventually . I know i have written a lot of hateful things in here but I don't want to scare the crap out of people who still believe and who'd still want to believe in LOVE. 

The Reader

What better way to start a new blog than to share with all the readers something I just watched or rather heard in the movie " The Reader : By Stephen Daldry " based on the German novel of the same name by Bernhard Schlink . 

Bernhard Schlink quotes : 

"I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. 

The more I suffer, the more I love. 

Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice. 

I will be the only angel you need. 
You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. 
Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: 

Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is Love."

As you must've guessed by now this a blog about L O V E .

I know you will be like " Haven't we already heard all there is to say about love and all its aftermath " or quote Nicky Kidman and Ewan McGregor from Moulin Rouge singing :

 " You think that people wouldn't have  had enough of silly love songs

    -I look around me and i see it isn't so

    Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs 

    -Well whats wrong with that I'd like to know " 

Plus I have my other blog of silly love songs . This ones about my conversations with myself and with the people I love . About how hope prevails even after all that has happened and how we keep believing that " All we need is Love " 

So hop on as I take you through my tumultuous journey , a journey that isn't too different from yours .