Today , dawn dawned really early on me . I would say that once again like many other days, my day started at night . Sipping my dose of caffeine for the day , trying to stimulate myself to pretend to wake up even though i have had a bruised sleep yesterday. Spent most of my time gazing at the computer , kept it at my leg and every few minutes when it went into standby extended my trained legs to slide on the trackpad and bring it back to life to check if there is a message . I can't sleep when there is too much light and usually i keep the brightness of my laptop to a minimum if i'm downloading something overnight but today i was ok sleeping with it being my night lamp .
I've had sleepless nights before . Was this any different ?
I remember days when there was no love , remember when that was not one of my significant aims in life . I had enough love from my parents , my brother , my cousins and my friends , I was content , I was happy . I could sleep like a baby and mostly could dream in my sleep other than my self-confessed unavoidable day-dreaming . Like a baby again my breathing was right , it wasn't shallow . I'd sleep at the right time and wake up to light . Even then i woke up to a bed that was made up on the other side . The pillow beside me wasn't rustled and there was only my own smell that filled up the room . I remember being more than ok with all of this . Why does this suddenly feel a little less than complete? Why and since when has it become so important to wake up to the sound of someone else other than your mom shouting to wake you up to go to school . Since when am i ok with waking up to a numb hand because someone else was resting on it and you didn't want to move your hand to wake them up . Since when has it become desirable to cuddle someone or be cuddled to feel that last nights sleep was actually a good night's sleep . What has changed ?
I guess I have changed . Don't get me wrong , I'm a die-hard , obsessed , hopeless romantic but i should blame the fantasy Bollywood movies , the romantic songs that i grew up with . With all their happy-endings , with all the mush romances , the extending hands to pull someone who's late to catch her train and then fall in love while traveling all around Europe , the initial disagreements and the sacrifices , the tearing apart and then the happily ever afters in each of them . I recently did a piece of choreography with my students where we explored attraction between people . We explored the insecurity of the tomorrow , will that person still love you tomorrow , at all or at least as much as he/she loves you today . The sucker for all things sad that I am it ended on all 3 of them going in different directions concluding that in the end everyone has just themselves , their souls are all they own , they are alone . Everyone thinks their life is so complicated , so complex with all kinds of trials and tribulations . From whatever my history with love has been , i feel the same and every time it happened it changed me . Changed me to think that is there really something like a happy ending ?
Unless it actually happens i don't think I will know .
Even though I am the same person deep down , now i have fear in me . There is fear of a heart-break , there is fear of falling apart , there is fear of no happily ever after , fear that time is running out , there is fear of love . I have my shields on and with very few people they actually come down , sometimes too soon , sometimes eventually . Now , i run away , make plans so that i don't talk to the person all the time , appear clingy and push them away . Now , I understand people better , I understand human psyche better , I don't want to but i understand practicality . I understand reality .
I am superstitious , I am safe , I am scared . But i still love .
