Rains - Romantic?

"We see only what we wanna see"

So, I'm a 'water' sign -- Cancer. But, apart from having personality traits like my element water; I'm not particularly fond of it. And I certainly do not find the rains romantic. Cancerians are ruled by the moon. But i have no affinity to the moon either. In terms of romance, it does not tingle me when someone says -- No matter how far apart we are, we will both look at the same moon and under it, we both will feel 'closer'. Blah!!

For me, there is no "walking or singing in the Rain". And there is no 'crying' in the rain to hide my tears either. The gathering of the clouds and the grey-gloomy ambient light do not bring out the best in me. It only makes me sad and pathetic; which for the most part I already am. Kidding. But frankly, I do not need the blazing hot sun to hide behind the clouds to feel that way. I'm happy with it shining on my face. My friend once told me, do not move to Canada; it's always grey there. So I'm guessing I will avoid that to save myself from some seriously depressing days.

The monsoon has just hit India and I'm already looking for excuses to not step out of the house that much. The rains should bring out this beautiful fragrance that I used to love when I was a kid. But, yesterday I stepped outside my house after a drizzle and I could only smell -- concrete. Errrrrr! And I must tell you, this is not a good smell. I turned a corner and saw that the smell of the garbage lying around was heightened even more because of the drizzle. Is that romantic? I don't think so.

Would you really walk hand-in-hand with your lover, feeling all the butterflies in your stomach dancing around; while the rains are pouring cats and dogs on you? I guess not. Yes, you could hide under an umbrella and koochie-koo; but, with the rains, the winds will start blowing harder and your umbrella will fly away. What is so romantic about a flying umbrella when you need it the most? Imagine this, your umbrella just flew away. Suddenly, there is a loud noise. It is the roaring thunder and the cracking of the lightning that gives you an excuse to pretend to be scared and hold your lover tightly. You gasp. Just then, a car passes by and splashes muddy water that drenches the two of you. Tell me, what can be more unromantic than that. Hugging someone and having the bad taste of mud in your mouth, all at the same time. 

So, no. I don't find my romance in the rains. I do not feel like dancing around the trees when it pours. But, maybe you do. I told you, it's all about what you wanna see.

Not Like the Movies

So, the day is over. You brush your teeth, drink your water and are ready to tuck yourself into bed; unless your mom still does that for you. But you can't sleep just yet. A stream of thoughts runs through your head. They say that your thoughts eventually become your dreams. I think all of the thoughts get mixed up. But in your dreams, somehow it all makes sense.I wish real life was the same. Wish that it all made sense. But you know what, mostly it doesn't. Its that irritating feeling; If you're inside the blanket it's too warm and if you throw it away its too cold. You just can't find the right balance.

Every now and then there comes a point in your life when everything seems strange. Nothing is going to work out as planned. Nothing will inspire you to work harder or try to give that one last push; that last attempt to see if you are successful. What do you do when a time like that dawns upon you? 

I, usually, take a few steps behind, sit back, relax, make my popcorn handy and get ready to watch a movie with the re-enactment of all that has happened in the past few days. My movies always revolve around the people I meet, the experiences I have, the things that don't seem to work out, failed trials and judgement errors. With all this, there's always a parallel 'love story' running in the background. Like, it was from a Bollywood movie with a very interesting plot that deliberately forced a romance between the characters so that they could hold the attention of the masses as well. And typically, my movies also have a lot of drama.

I'll cite a few scenarios. You meet your soul mate and the distance gets in your way. The longest relationship you ever had is thrown out of the window because he/she is not ready. A perfectly compatible couple can't be together because there is a huge difference in their age. You have cold feet. You run away from something without sparks thinking what if I can find something better. You think, what if? 

These in turn raise so many other questions that interestingly, only extras in the movie will raise. Never the important characters. Would people call you names? Will the society approve? What would they talk about a couple with a huge difference in age? Will his family be able to accept them? Does his family know about it? Does the family take preference over your own needs OR you sacrifice your will just because you want to be a good son/daughter? OR do you let everything go for a toss because you've always been a rebel and this is the one chance you might have at something that might never come back?

Eventually, these are just thoughts. Everyday thoughts. You don't end up making any concrete decisions. You decide that you will pause this movie here and let it continue when you get to your bed tomorrow again. 

You think, maybe tomorrow it will end differently, maybe tomorrow just like my dreams things will sort themselves out, maybe tomorrow everything will make sense like it always should in THE END.

TWO YEAR ITCH

I'm sitting at the table of this quaint little restaurant called the Columbia Cafe and there are two things to keep me Company -- the countless thoughts running through my head and you. 

You're busy texting someone. Maybe it's a work thing. I try to look at my phone and hope someone messages me or calls me so that I can pretend to be busy as well. But only my thoughts keep me busy. I try to login to Facebook : I guess that's what people do these days, login to Facebook or Twitter and the like when you have to wait for someone or you smoke a cigarette and kill time. Is this what 2 years of our marriage has come down to? We have nothing left to say to each other anymore? Is this how it feels to be lonely amidst so many people? When someone close to you, someone who once held your hand in the crowd has become the crowd itself?

We haven't looked each other in the eye for quite some time. The old lady with her dainty pink umbrella, carefully avoiding the small puddles of water around the edge of the street has walked past us. I think she walked at snails pace. I noticed that she seemed happy by herself and that she was just back after buying a fresh pack of groceries. Maybe she's going back to her husband. Perhaps she lives alone. I check if there's something interesting playing on tv. But they're playing a cricket match. Something that has interested me only during the world cup fever. Once in 4 years. I've noticed at least 15 cars pass by in the mean time. Most of them, white in colour. The little girl in the cafe has already relished the whole basket of her garlic bread with cheese by herself. Not letting her parents take one bite.

You are still busy texting!

I try to indulge you in a conversation over my already cold coffee .

"You want to try this new colombian dessert: The banoffee pie? Maybe we can share it "

"hmmmm"

Hardly paying attention to what I just said. One of the countless thoughts running through my head is to end this bout of self enduring pain. I reflect on the happier days. The days of real togetherness. When my words didn't pass through a translucent you, so easily. Thats the only reason I don't want to cut this thread. But maybe it will let me loose as well. Finally, you look at me. You ask me,

"What were you saying?"

I just say "Nothing, nothing important" and continue to sip my already cold coffee.

SO LONG ....

It is recommended that when you say goodbye to someone you hold that person closely in your arms for one whole breath -- in and out .

Goodbyes are considered to be blessings in most cultures . Blessings that will wish each other good luck for the times to come; being thankful for the wonderful times spent together. Most times you know that you are saying goodbye. You're at the airport or at the train station and you wait until she has turned a corner or the train has started moving and you have no sight of her anymore. The one saying goodbye, just tends to linger in the moment. Trying to figure out, what exactly happened. Wondering if he really said something meaningful so that he could express exactly how hard it was to say goodbye. I remember, once when I was saying goodbye to a friend, I just stood there at the door and we stared at each other, so hard -- as if in that moment she knew everything I had to say -- almost reaching out to my soul and pulling it out until the doors of the subway closed and brought me back to life.

You say goodbye to a person you've made some memories together with, to a city where you once lived, to the smell, the food and the beauty the city has to offer even in its dark crevices and smelly corners. Sometimes you say goodbye with a smile and sometimes you say goodbye with a sprinkle of tears. That's how I said my last goodbye to New York City . I remember, I was at Union Square . Me and some of my friends had frozen yogurt in the village -- the one where you can pick as many flavours as you want, get countless toppings and pay based on the weight. I stood there, below this tree and the statue of the Suicide man on top of one of the buildings at Union Square. I tried to fit most of that visual imagery in my memory, save it in my hard drive- never to be lost. And I balled, I cried like a baby, mostly because I thought I might not get back there soon. And I haven't, yet . Maybe in those tears I lost some of the visual data. Because I cant remember it vividly . I've always been horrible at saying goodbyes. I've hated departures of any kind and it always tears me apart to let go.

But sometimes, you will not even realise but you might have already said your last goodbye. You will not realise what hit you and she'll already be gone. Flash! Boom!

You might have already got in and out of the car, kissed on the cheek--trying to not let the driver notice it from the corner of his eye, wondering why these two people are kissing in the first place -- and said see you later 'sweetie' or something . That's not how the Indians say goodbye, he must wonder . But yes, you've already said goodbye and I've bid you adieu without noticing that we have already seen the last of each other. In that moment, I've kissed goodbye to the tattoo of the gecko on your wrist . I don't remember which hand - left or right. Thought I'd kissed it too many times to not forget. But I forgot .

And maybe you forgot to share that connection between the heart and the breath for one whole breath; you forgot to say goodbye.

SOMETIMES SAYING IT OUT LOUD MAKES IT REAL

Do you need a lover or a companion or just another person to complete you ? Or is a person complete in himself without the love of your life ?Did the creatures from Plato's symposium ever exist ? Is finding the other half the reason why we keep wandering endlessly ? Is that our only aim in life ? So many questions! So many unanswered questions !

So yes I'm a bit emotional today . I'm a cancerian . Its second nature for us moody crabs to over think and to stress about the things that may or may not be true. Sometimes saying something out loud makes it real OR you start to believe that it has become your truth because you said it out loud .
Either way, you're just protecting yourself . Laying the bricks one by one and constructing a wall around you . Separating yourself from the world and cutting yourself from the experience that life has to offer .

If something has ended what do you take from the whole experience ? Does every special friendship have to conclude or flourish into a relationship ? Do the memories that you create together , the emotions that you feel with someone become things that you easily move on from ? Things that you don't want to process any longer or have memories of .

Do you remember, you were emotional once upon a time too . Maybe you've trained yourself well now . You are older than you used to be , more experienced than you used to be . You have been pushed around more than you were before . You're used to it now . Are you ? Does it become easier with age , with more experience to start to easily disconnect ?

So how do you get hold of your emotions ? How do you rationalise what's right and what's wrong ? You don't . You let it come to you and go through the sickening feeling and then you come out of it , stronger . You have to learn to be by yourself . Finding a partner , a lover , someone who'd be there with you all your life is probably wrong . Love is a bonus .

Do you ever really understand if you are in love ? Do you know for sure that whatever you felt was love ? But without love you still are a complete person. You don't need another person to complete you. I was reading once that you cannot make someone stay with you forever . You can't be jealous of situations that don't go according to how you would like them to be. If that person has to leave there is very little you can do about it . Love is a fabricated emotion. Love is .... I wish I knew !

TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND I WILL LOVE YOU TO BITS

Why the bloody hell was I designed to be so insecure ?

Are you listening ? I'm having trouble in loversville .

You're not giving me as much attention as I want and of course I don't want to keep messaging you and bugging you or you're gonna start to drift in another direction . So instead I'm gonna write to all the readers who might stumble upon my profile and tell you what I want to write . I'll put it out in the universe and imagine it is you I'm writing it to .

Hey you , please give me more attention than you do at the moment . Just send me a good morning and good night message and maybe we can talk a bit sometimes . Show me that you're there for me and I'll stop going all crazy in my head thinking things out .I like you and sometimes it hardly takes any time for my liking to turn into love . I'm that stupid . I've never seen you but I hear you , I write to you , I think of you and I miss you. From your busy schedule take out one moment to write to me , spend one penny to text me ( with technology these days you wouldn't even have to do that ) , walk one step closer to me ! Has the distance between us made me invisible ? I saw you online for a bit , yet you did not write to me . I wrote you a message before I fell asleep, I wrote you another just when I woke up . And I kept thinking about you through the night . You're mature and you're more stable and sane but probably I'm not . How can I make you understand that ? When will you realize this .


They say Pisces and Cancer is a heavenly match and they will eventually complete each others sentences , thats how strong their connection is . Im trying my best to be less and less restless .
I can't help but not tell you that when I sleep alone in my bed at night , I think of you . I think of the big bed and the empty space around . I think of which of the two is a bigger expanse , the space that I take up or the space that's around . I think of how it would be if I had your arms wrapped around my body , if our legs were intertwined and there was lesser empty space in my bed .That doesn't mean I don't think of you through the day . Whenever there is a text from someone I hope its yours , I hope that it is some news of you . My heart skips a beat or two . My breath becomes shallow and my lung capacity reduces , they now take in very little air and tire me. Don't you think we get used to particular situations and specifically particular emotions . Do you feel them to the same extent each time , probably sometimes even though you wouldn't want to .Do you keep doing it over and over and make a habit out of it ? People treat you like shit over and over again and sometimes if in a particular situation that doesn't happen , would you start to believe its not love ?

So does it mean that people treating you like shit is love for you now ? Think about it !

Alone

Just heard this on Grey's Anatomy.... I think its really sad but its so sad I fell in love with it !

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone
It wasn't because I'd be happy alone
It was because if I love someone
And then it fell apart
I might not make it

Its easier to be alone
Coz what if you learn , you need love
And then you don't have it
What if you like it
And lean on it
What if you shape your life around it
And then it falls apart
Can you even survive that kinda pain
Loosing love is like organ damage
Its like dying
The only difference is ...
Death Ends
This .....
It could  go on forever